Backward and forward - a reflection

“A lake is a landscape's most beautiful and expressive feature. It is Earth's eye; looking into which the beholder measures the depth of his own nature.” ― Henry David Thoreau, Walden

In an attempt to revive this blog, I shall post a reflection of my three months in Melbourneas part of my MEd. In any case, this post has been long overdue, not so much because I have nothing to say, but really I had too much to reflect upon. The other "tripping stone" that has been stopping me from penning down my thoughts is this final "research report" or termed as Critical Inquiry which I need to submit. I dread this last assignment, too much writing made me miss my students, colleagues even more.

anyhow, enough of blabbering. let me think...

Space and smelling the aroma

Lighthouse, Cape Schnack

As I reflected on my choice to finish my last two modules in melbourne, and the 10 weeks stay there, the first thing that comes to my mind is Space. It is not just the physical space (I don't think I need to state the obvious between the size of Australia, Victoria or even Melbourne to that of Singapore); but more the visual, mental and emotional space. Personally, i just felt a sense of relief, and a sense of space in which I started embracing whatever comes visually, auditorily, emotionally and mentally in a eager yet paced manner. Suddenly, what I have been so uptight about at home becomes insignificant when I am encountered with such space. Some people might say you are just playing games in your head, it is just mental. But I tends to think it is important to have that kind of space, because it will open a person up, especially so in a highly urbanized landscape in a small island like Singapore. perhaps, this is part of process of soul searching. We need to get out of our country and see the world and I believe every child should be given that opportunity, not just those with "social/cultural capital" (Bourdieu).

Maroondah Dam

With this mental space, I have been able to smell the roses, inhale the aroma of the coffee, taken in the scents of the city, culture and nature. These, to me, are intangibles that cannot be measured or quantified but are crucial in forming the social fabric and identity ("soul") of the place.

Perfections and embracing Imperfections

Flinders Street Train Station

Melbourne has been ranked as the top most livable city in the world. There are reasons for it which I won't expound on and of course, the use of ranking and the process of ranking has always been contentious. Despite its top rank, it does not mean that there are no less-than-desirable areas. However, I would argue that it is the presence of imperfections that give this city character and more importantly, life. for instance, I am so used to the quick and efficient ways of doing things back home that when the pace of service and doing things dropped few notches down, when things don't meet the expectations that i am used to, it puts me off at first. yet, After a while, and upon reflecting, I just ask myself, "so, what the rush, mate?". Indeed, it is, why should I be imposing context from home to another entirely different context? My own perception is that it seems to be in human's nature to compare the unfamiliar with familiar. Nevertheless, sometimes we have to live with imperfections to be alive; in fact, nothing is perfect, and it is about embracing what we encounter, seeing things in their contexts. In a way it is linked to my previous learning point, to stay open to anything and find meaning and make the best out of it.

small alley somewhere in town

Which is where I become critical here. I feel many a times back in Singapore, in our quest to be the numerically number 1 in everything we do, to be the most perfect of the perfect in the name of survival, we become intolerant of any imperfections. everything seems too clinical, organic-ness replaced by highly structured and automated modes. Is it good or bad? Shades of grey I would say.

Having said all these, I must qualify that there are many areas that I enjoy and appreciate about Singapore, and I love this place we call home. 8)

Embracing imperfections, I should say.

Life and framing life

Hanging Rocks

couple sitting at bench overlooking lighthouse at Cape Schnack

In the 10 weeks in Melbourne, made me realize how life is so unpredictable; two persons that i have the privilege to cross paths with only a couple of years back passed on, suddenly and unexpectedly. It was like what the chinese saying goes, 当头棒喝.

What do I want in life? this has been a constant question in my mind all these years. I don't think I have a clearcut answer, although there is clearer direction for me, now than before. One thing that I had adopted as a framal reference is not to be too concerned about pursuits of tangibles, let me try to express this in chinese, 就是不要计较得失，或把得失看得太重。 不过，说易做难，尤其是当你觉得自己在工作或事情上牟足了全力，自然而然的，就希望某种程度上的认可 （我也不例外）。但是，在教育领域里打滚了十六载，或多或少也让我看到尝到酸甜苦辣咸个中滋味，抑或是所谓的“中年危机”（midlife crisis）。不过，我总是相信越在意得失，越会患得患失，一切顺其自然，随遇而安，但是，我必须补充的是，最重要的是要享受工作和办事的那个过程，并且为身边的人和自己带来意义，认可以否就既来之也，则安之，又何须强求呢？这或许听来，非常消极。毕竟，在新加坡这个讲求效益效率的社会，当高官或人民的代议士需要高薪来养才和显示身份地位时，我这个”曲调“可说是“曲高和寡”或“自鸣清高”。

But having said that, this chain of thought, which has been buzzing in my head for quite a long time reminded me of a saying by 诸葛亮， “淡泊明志，宁静致远”. This phrase comes from his writing to his children , "戒子篇" as a reminder, “夫君子之行：静以修身，俭以养德。非淡泊无以明志，非宁静无以致远。夫学须静也，才须学也。非学无以广才，非静无以成学。慆慢则不能研精，险躁则不能理性。年与时驰，意与日去，遂成枯落，多不接世。悲守穷庐，将复何及”！Again, this might sound very defeatist and pessimistic. However, in the highly globalized and materialistic societies we are in, when temptations overflow and when life is so much more exciting out there as compared to the sheltered environment in schools, to maintain the mindset of calm and serenity and not swayed by temptations, but focusing on finding meanings in intangibles and making a difference without bothering about recognition and material gains needs one's active efforts and resilience.

I am looking forward to framing my life along this direction. 8)

Nature and finding meaning

Mount Macedon

One of the most enjoyable and memorable endeavors in my stay in Melbourne is the daily runs and trekking in and around melbourne, the suburbs and victoria state. The way they conserve nature and maintain their national parks and reserves shows their intentions. it is not about making money or transform the sites into some touristy attractions but rather, to make the visits and walks as natural and as enjoyable and as accessible for everyone, with minimal disturbances to the existing habitats. I don't think I need to compare it with what is being done back home.

Maroondah Aqueduct track

Whatever is the case, I think I have babbled and ranted enough. Guess it is in us to naturally be affectionate to the past/the familiar, especially so, when encountering unfamiliarities and change, like what an old friend says, "人总是念旧的“. I don't think there is anything wrong with that, as Søren Kierkegaard says, “Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.”

For me, it is keeping an open mind and to live life.

学会惜福，知足常乐。

limits

"For me sport is not only to discover the outdoors, the people, the mountains... but also to discover myself. To explore my limits. When you race just 100 miles, 100 miles, 100 miles, you discover that your limit is 100 miles." Kilian Jornet

I like words of wisdom like this. It makes me reflect and think through stuff when I am at a bottleneck... well, not exactly now, but it just keeps me thinking of what i should do with my life. Setting limits, to me, is always a matter of the mind, be it physical, mental, emotional or career wise. Not that I am going to be like Kilian and run like a pro, but often, when I feel that I have hit the wall, there seems to be always another way, another horizon, another silver lining or another window/door waiting to be opened, somewhere.

Many a times, we are told to know our limits, to be realistic, to be practical, but do we really know our limits? Many a times, the human mind doesn't function purely on logic and anyhow, there are still much to be discovered about the human brain; even emotions, mood changing, or responses to sudden or extreme conditions are already highly complex phenomena.

I think the sky is the limit.

Twist

I just have to make sure that in my mind, I’m ready for being able to play with the pain. –Kim Clijsters

Life is weird with its twists and turns, literally for me today. I had planned a 35km trail run and all went well with a good tempo pace until the 14 km mark when i accidentally stepped into a hidden pothole, covered by wet fallen leaves. ouch! was the immediate burst of pain. then I have to cut short, run in pain for the rest of the 8 km back to my car.

Doesn't help when some runners (think they were seasoned runners) trying to make some smart comments (I know he was trying to be sarcastic) of my shoes, "very bright shoes, very colourful aye?". Ya, I know, I like the solomon shoes, I like bright colours, so what? I am in no mood to entertain and bursted off and ran my last 8 km in negative split, in pain. >:-<

darn! i have just recovered from my sprained ankle and now again. need to see physio next week. darn. 8(

Rest... Move on

Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass on a summer day listening to the murmur of water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is hardly a waste of time. Sir Joh LubbockIt's been a while. June until mid Nov was packed to the rim with modules, assignments, essays and exams. In the midst, training for TNF100 was intermittent, resulting in problems and injury sustained at the actual race. So after weeks of intensive massages by Victor and Steven to release the badly entangled deep muscles, I have started to do my regular runs. It has been good so far. just did a 12 km run this afternoon around the loyang and Upper changi area (near the prison), trying to cover all the available slopes around the vicinity. I am going to do more of such terrains to prepare for runs at the trails in and around Melbourne. The one I am looking forward to would be the two-bays walking trail which stretches 28 km from Arthur State National park to Mornington National Park (and back, that will be 56 km). I discovered this route through the Two Bays Trail run (there is a 28km and a 56km route) which will be held in Melb next year 15 Jan. I had wanted to sign up but there is a cut off of 4 hrs for 28km and 8 hrs for 56km. looking at my TNF100 timing, I don't think i can make the cut-off. So, I will explore myself and perhaps this would give me more time to take photos and maybe doing some sketches and drawings. I will be having two intense modules there at the Uni of Melb grad sch of education, but since I am going to be there, must well make full use of the weekends and explore around. 8)oh, I did something for charity last sunday, 10km run for the Run for Hope (formerly called Terry Fox runs). Had stopped doing that for a few years, but anyway, signed up and donated an additional sum for the cancer foundation. met up with a former student and it was a good run. Set off with a moderate pace whizzing in and out of the crowd and did a negative split with a time of 47 mins. had not done a sub-50 10 km for a long time. had a good time chatting with my student over breakfast.I am on a random spending spree. bought some salomon gear from the internet. going to bring over to melbourne.Two running friends taking part in the racing the planet Nepal race at the moment. They are pure inspiration. wish them well.pretty random entry.going to do some reading.

Simple

I like a simple life. I like to enjoy simple things. Kilian Jornet

Indeed when it dawned on me that my age starts with a "4", simplicity becomes my goal. In the midst of all the buzz and rapid changes around, I sometimes yield for that space where I can stop and enjoy the little things that I have glossed over with the excuse of busyness; time with family, time with parents, time with friends, time alone to read, to run, to reflect.

After submitting my final essay for the semester, I had a wonderful "tea party" with some course mates. And I think most significantly, was to meet up and chill with my old friends from my schooldays, "old' in the sense because of close to 27 years of friendship.

I feel blessed.

Less is more.

Expect the Unexpected

Just want to post my thoughts here instead of the NF100 fb page, don't want to add to the negative energy displayed by some of the competitors.

There were so many complaints about how the race was so badly organised and signages not placed etc. I also got lost and did an additional 1-2 km. I also stopped at the Belukar track on my way to the finishing point and wondering whether to go back to CP2. In the end, I checked the map and saw the instructions and went on the right route. I am not trying to defend for the organisers; they have a few areas to improve on, things like changing the starting time of 100km duo at the last min (this I think need to be seriously considered, 1 hr is a big difference because of the heat), not deploying the bikers to do a quick check of the signages, which prof organisers would (at least I know the Sabah and Powerman do), better training for the volunteers (many of them were clueless of directions and I mistook some non-runner volunteers as the TNF volunteers) and the safety patrols (I only saw them cycling up and down but don't really know what they were doing?). Perhaps, TNF can share the organising experience across the TNF races in different countries? Overseas races tend to be better organised, my experience so far. 8)

However, my sharing here is, this is after all an off-road race, being self-sufficient and self-reliant is required, i.e. why the map was given, I am a local and I also got lost. I personally feel that the disgruntlement and complaints from some of the runners were a misalignment of expectations. Some, I feel, treated it like a normal road race, where the route should be clearly marked. But as in all off-road and adventure races, anything will and can happen, the natural elements such as rain and thunder, creatures such as humans (who want a piece of the race such as signage for souvenirs) can add to the unpredictability. Again, a check by the organiser before the race and deployment of staff at strategic points would have sufficed.

Of course, those who hailed from overseas who needed to fork out much more would expect everything to be in its perfect state. I can only empathise with you. Having done more than 40 over races from 10k to ultra distances since 1996, i have seen races that collect premium but turned out worse than this one in terms of organisation. The overseas ones I took part in were many notches above better.

Anyhow, I vividly remembered the Sabah Adventure Race that I took part in early this year, the organiser had to make so many changes to the route because of landslides and weather situations. In the end, the trail runners did an additional 10-15km while the adventure racers did a modified water crossing and third day race. But the organiser was very efficient and good, they updated us at the night briefing before next day's race; (mind you, the map for next day's race was handed out there and then and we have to study the map at night and navigate as we run the next day). I dare say that all the participants had no qualms about the changes and we just bite the bullet and had a jolly great race. One of the top 5 runners whom I have the privilege of bunking in at the same accommodation, got lost along the second day of the race and eventually dropped from 1st to second or third, i think, and he took it in his stride and moved on (I hope so, yip, right? 8))

I think the biggest issue I see in local races is they have become more and more commercialised and attracting nos is THE KPI for many of them (that is one of the reasons why I have stopped taking part in local races, except for this one which has ultradistance), so in Singapore, it seems that quantity triumph over quality.

I am not saying TNF is like that....or may be they are? Why do I say that? There are already many races out there that is half-marathon and marathon distances, why not stick to the ultra-distance or the minimum a marathon distance for TNF i.e. 84 km duo, 100 km duo and 100 km solo and cap the number? was it because of value for money, so much resources deployed, so must well increase the participant nos to maximise the resources? May be I am a purist, so no offence to those 50km duo, I apologise if I have offended anyone. sorry sorry.

Nevertheless, I think with their limited capacity (i suspect the organising team is a pretty young and inexperienced one), they have done their best to accommodate whatever "spanners" that were being thrown at them, for instance, with well-stocked check points and last-minute addition of 100 plus and wet towels plus cheerful volunteers, some who braved the sun for hours, to ensure our safety, e.g. this road marshal that pressed the traffic lights at Mandai road.

My only misgiving and huge disappointment is the rampant and irresponsible littering and wastage by a number of runners. Why can't you just keep the used gel packets in some part of your hydration pack until you reach a dustbin or the next water point? and leave the 1.5 l water or 100 plus bottles at the water points instead of taking them and litter along the trails? Respect Nature? respect our environment? I can't help but remember the Sabah experience, when the Organiser emphasised, re-emphasised and re-re-emphasised the treatment of rubbish to all competitors at every evening's briefing. I guess the huge increase in no of runners this year in TNF kindaf exacerbated the situation (Sabah nos was kept small, TNF Singapore's nos increase exponentially to 1700).

Anyway, to those TNF competitors who want to have a personal best and expect everything to be laid out prim and proper, then, my take is this kind of trail race might not be suitable for you. Perhaps, you should stick to road races then and get your PBs. For those elite runners who paid the premium to race here and got disappointed by the poor organisation, let's hope they will learn their hard lessons and uphold the high standards that ultra-distance and adventure races should have.

In any case, I would say,

Don't assume,

Expect the unexpected.

Waddle on and run like a trail runner.

No personal attack intended, just my two-cents worth.

Break All Boundaries

This is not an understatement, at least for me. This race, like all races I have taken part in so far, is a challenge of my mental resolve and physical limits, and this one especially, was one that giving up flashed across my mind several times.

TNF 100 was the 3rd race that challenged my running's comfort zone (the other races being 2009 84km sundown and Sabah 60km (which adds up to 75km)Trail run) earlier this year. Mich and many asked me, why do I take part in such races to "torture" myself (I mean now I am limping around the house). I guess, I like to challenge my boundaries, such challenges bring out the best and the worst (my weaknesses) in me and forced me to reflect, for the better.

I have said before that I was ill-prepared for this race, even though I have been running at MacRitchie for a number of times pushing the mileage to 30km. worse still, I suffered a bruised twisted ankle which has not fully recovered. But nothing compares to the actual race. I have set my target to below 8 hrs but I was praying if I could go around 7 hrs, as I had wanted to use this race to gauge my readiness for a trail race in Melbourne.

I woke up pretty early, 4plus in the morning an hour earlier than my alarm, race anxiety perhaps. checked into the MacRitchie carpark at 5plus and decided to nap. met my last minute racing partner, who was superb.

fast forward, the race started well, with a consistent pace past rifle range to bukit timah trails, though quite a few of us made a wrong turn and ended covering an extra 1-2 km. Then things started to go wrong, somehow, I lost too much salt and cramps started to kick into my calf muscles and my ankle began to feel sore. persevere until mandai checkpoint, took a short break and headed into Gangsa trails. By then, i was depleted and my muscle cramps and ankle sore got worse, reducing my pace to brisk walking. By now, the sun was merciless, it was scorching ( i think temp was around 35 degree celsius; reminded me of sabah) and the trails was hilly and undulating. Checkpoint 5 was just before Mandai .265, the slope was very steep, but at least it was dry (I think nothing compares to the Hamburger Hill at Sabah with its slippery and muddy close-to-80-degree-angle slopes).

After that, it was briskwalking and trottling under the scorching sun with occasional running. by now, I was feeling very sleepy and tired and many a times, I felt like just stopping and to take a nap. Somehow, I refrained from this fleeting thought, and all I did was to tap on my resolve and mental strength to push on; at every pit stop, I reminded myself not to stay beyond 5 mins. At this point, I must thank all the TNF volunteers and especially non-race oragniser volunteers like run-to-eat for setting up a pit stop with a wonderful spread of food and drinks and cold towels, you guys are my saviour.

Once, I hit the ranger station, it is about 6 km to finish line, with a limping stride, I somehow found some strength (or whatever was left) to cover these last few kilometres and 3 final km of consistent (dragging) pace. mm... I am quite amazed where did I milk out that last ounce of strength.

50 (unofficially + 2km) in 7 hrs 47 mins. My racing partner did his (he also covered 52km) in 5 hrs 30 mins, wosh!

Though my end result in timing is not spectacular, but the experience is unforgettable.

congrats to all runners.

I survived, with a bee sting, a sore ankle and tight muscles. 8)